What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 08:39
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She found it foreign!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why are the Chinese so sensitive to Western criticism?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was scared of men, in general
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
All the time i was locked up.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why are men today so pussiefied?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why did i forgive my father ?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
If you received hand-me-downs as a child, how did they make you feel?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One cannot live in the past .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Why do I keep waking up at 4 AM?
When she asked me how she looked .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
How the Brain Actively Removes Unwanted Memories - Neuroscience News
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
What's an uncomfortable truth you've learned to accept?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I will be 64.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We all went to grammer schools
And i lived it daily.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Would this be the day?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I said to her
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I don,t even have a pension.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My life is so biszare .
Put me off passion for life!!
Who then, do I blame.?
She married twice! .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was seconnd youngest,
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I think the readers, may guess!
I was very sick at this time too.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I waited trembling.
She was in good health!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were not on the streets..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So, i spoilt her more .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But, we were locked up after school.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It was going to be , some day.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Comes on , in middle age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She wouldn,t have been !
Ive learnt so much.
She loved him until the end.
I write beautiful poetry .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
This is soul school!.
But it wasn’t much.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
What did i know ?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im still living with it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My family never makes their pension either.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I never cut or harmed myself..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I have no regrets .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So whats the point in blame.
I was 9 years of age.
He knew the spot.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As i do to all so called friends.?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .